1:30 am - October 09, 2003
You cant go backwards, only forwards.
My friend Erika is trying to reinvent herself I think. She's quit smoking, drinking, cusssing, and anything else she deems as "bad". Even though she wasnt doing very much of any of that to begin with. She's been walking and excercising alot. And she wont even be around me if I do anything she wants to "stay away from". She even yelled at me the other day for cursing in front of her. Using a word I have used a million times before w/o her ever even saying "I really dont like that". She just snapped on me tho the other day. I was like "Um ok". She wants to go back to a year or two ago, and be the girl she was then. A more naive and optimistic girl. But I dont think its possible. And I dont think she realizes that.
I think most of us wish we could go back to a former version of ourselves. I know I do. If I could rewind and be that person I was when I was 17, and the world was still new and fresh, and I had yet to taste the bitter disappointment of life, I would in a heartbeat. I'd be naive and optimistic and love it. But its just not possible.
Its not possible for me to forget the pain I have lived through. Its not possible to forget the life lessons I've learned. And whether for the good, or for the bad, the person I am today will greatly shape the person I become in the future. Or so I believe. And I want to tell Erika that she cant work herself backwards back to the girl she wanted to be. I want to tell her that she needs to work towards being a different person, who incorporates what she's already learned into a new person. One that she can be happy with. But I dont know that she'd understand me.
Hell. I dont understand me some times.
You know. I used to be quite displeased with the person I had become. But as of late, I dont think I'm that bad of a person. And I kind of almost like who I've become. There are things I'd like to change about me, especially my hard heartedness. But I think that is something that will lessen in time. And maybe if the right person came along.
There are alot of things I need to work on about myself. But for now, I think I'm doing OK.
I just wish I could tell Erika that she's doing OK too.
