8:11 pm - July 11, 2003
That Girl
Cos it's nowhere that she's ever been
When I get to that place
She'll remember my face
And say "Hey man I knew him when he was younger"
But she never loved me at all
She laughed when I was in pain
Cos there's something that we are all frightened of
In the man in the midst of a change
I wonder if I am like that girl. Bringing others down, never really loving them, and laughing in their pain. Even if it is all silent. The last few guys I've dated, have talked about things they wanted to do. And in my head I would always say "yeah right as if you'd get off your lazy ass and do it" or I'd think "you are too dumb to accomplish that" or other such not-nice thoughts. I've never really loved them, though they seemed to care for me deeply, possibly even love me. And maybe I even did silently laugh at their pain. The girl in the song wants to hold him back. Because she doesnt want him surpassing her. She says he's "going nowhere, because its nowhere she's ever been". And I think I am like that. I dont want them to advance beyond me, because I"m still floundering here in the mud and muck. There are things I want to do, but I cant seem to get myself out of this quicksand I'm in. I've disappointed my family in so many ways. And I've disappointed myself too. And now I'm afraid to try, afraid to tell them that I want to try. Because they will just laugh at me. So in return I take it out on someone else. I laugh at their pain, I try to drag them down and keep them sunk lower than me. That way I can stand on their shoulders and I dont feel so bad for being stuck where I am.
I have been thinking lately, back in the farthest reaches of my subconscious, in a place so far back I pretend i'm not really thinking it, that I'd like to go to school and get my Biology degree. And then try and apply to Vet school. But I cant. I cant do it. I know I cant. My parents would laugh at me, I've failed so far in what I've done, there is no way I could go back for another 7 or so years. Not to mention they can't pay for any of it, so I'd have to somehow pay for it myself. So its an impossibility. And maybe when I'm 40 I'll regret not having done what I wanted when I was 17. But I guess its a regret I'll have to live with. I live with enough regrets now, one more wont make much of a difference will it?
I guess I'll always be that girl, laughing at his pain, dragging him down, telling him he's going nowhere. All because she has regrets and wants someone else to have them too.
Follow your dreams my friends. Or you'll end up like me. And thats no way to be.
