1:32 am - June 14, 2003
More to me than you
Sitting here chatting with you breaks my heart sometimes. Sometimes I feel such overwhelming love for you. Almost like it was back 6 years ago and we were making plans for our future. You always saw the best in me, and always demanded that I saw the best in me too. I dont think you will ever know how much you encouraged me and helped me back then.
But how long is it going to be before I stop loving you like this? Sometimes I scare myself with the intensity that I feel. Sometimes I wonder what I would say if you showed up and said "Take me back". I'd like to say that I would yell a resounding "no!" to you. But the truth is I might yell a resounding "yes!" instead. You were everything i had ever wanted in someone. Still are. You were elevated to a pedestal that no one can touch. Every guy I date is measured up to you. And none of them can even come close. It makes me wonder if there really is only one person, one soul mate out there for everyone. I cant imagine finding someone I can love as much as I have loved you.
I wish someone could tell me how to stop though. Can you? Can you tell me how? You hurt me so badly. And now you are going through similiar pain. And you want me to comfort you, and I want to comfort you, but its so painful to me too. You talk about her and say how much you love her, and how you want her back. But all I can think of is how much I want you. How much I have wanted you these past several years. And I almost hope that she slams the door in your face, so that maybe I could have a small glimmer of hope. But I love you too much for that. Instead I give you my best advice, I encourage you to try and get her back, and I hope that you get what you need to be happy. I'd rather be miserable every day for the rest of my life, and you be happy for the rest of yours, than for you to be unhappy. I would lay down in front of moving traffic if it meant saving your life. I've never felt this way about anyone before, or since, you - and I dont think you even know the depth of how I feel.
I"m scared of this feeling too you know. What if I can never stop loving you? What if I cant push it back down and choke it anymore? What if I love you like this for forever? Where does this leave me? An old woman with cats and dogs and possibly a husband she married so she wouldnt be alone. Always in love with another man, one she could never have back. My heart belongs to you and I dont know how to get it back.
You know you said you were coming through Atlanta later this summer. You promised to stop overnight and see me. Do you really mean that? You've made lots of promises to me before, most of which got broken for one reason or another. I'm scared of you stopping by though. I'm afraid that you will be just as you were. That I will still feel what I feel. That I'll still love you. On the other hand I'm terrified you wont be the man I remember. That my image of you will be shattered completely. That this whole time I was in love with a person that didnt exist, that instead I was in love with the image i built up in my head.
I always felt that you completed me. That you were the piece that fit perfectly to me. We clicked in a way I've never clicked with anyone else. I've never been able to talk to someoen for hours. Do you remember that Saturday when we got up and talked online from like 10am until like 2am that night? Usually I get tired of ppl and have to take breaks. But not you. I could have been joined at your hip and been perfectly happy. What scares me most tho is that I would have done anything for you. If you had asked me to pack up my stuff and move to Timbuktu, I would have. I wouldnt have given it a second thought. I was ready to commit my life to you, and you just threw my love back in my face. And when you did that, it hurt so incredibly bad. I was wrapped up in you. You were my life. You were my past, present, and future. When you left, you took a big part of me with you and I've been feeling that emptyness for years. But I cant live like this much longer. Somethings got to give. Either I learn to live with out you, learn to stop loving you, or you have to come back to me.
We both know that you wont come back to me.
So how do I stop loving you? How do I rediscover who I am? How do I prove to myself that there's more to me than you?
I'm not saying I'm battered and bruised
ooooooo, ooooooo, ooooooo
but I might as well be with the words you used
I believe in myself, that makes me stronger
Things changed and so have I
I'm gonna make hay while the sun still shines
You can clip my wings, but I'm still gonna fly
I'm on my own and on my way
And I keep telling myself
There's more to me than you
ooooooo, ooooooo
Don't underestimate what I can do
Well I'm alright, it's okay
I know I'll make it through
Cuz there's more to me than you
You are breaking my heart a little at a time. I dont know why you couldnt love me like you seem to love her. I dont know why you couldnt love me as much as I love you. I just have to convince myself of this now somehow.
There is more to me than you.
