1:05 am - January 16, 2004
The Hole
I can feel it. It's happening again. It's gotten its claws into me and its trying to drag me into that dark hole again. Over the last couple of years I've fought it, pulling myself out of it before I got too far in. But this time, I feel like giving in. Wrapping myself up in the warm blanket of depression. Spend my days sleeping and crying and avoiding everyone. Why bother pulling myself out anymore. Every day brings a new fresh hurt. A new fresh wound. A new fresh reason why I should go lock myself in my room and never come out. It'd be so easy to give in, to let it take over again. Let my few friends go, let them get tired of me and wander away. They always do. No one stays long enough to care for me. They stay long enough for me to care for them. They take what they can from me, and when they no longer need my friendship and my support, they leave. And they leave behind a gaping empty hole in my heart. One I swear I wont allow to happen again, but I always do.
But now. Now I feel like sinking into that hole. Hiding myself away from everyone. Never allowing anyone close again, living my days out alone and miserable and sleeping through as much of my life as I can.
Because while pain my hurt, at least you know you are alive. At least you know you can feel *something*, even if it is just raw pain.
So the hole beckons to me. Calls me, tempts me with its warm painful safeness.
And I wonder if I"ll answer.
